Philosophy In the Modern Era

I consider myself a philosophical dude. Just the other day i was walking down the street and saw a bird making “eyes” at me. My first thought was, “why?”

I am a philosopher. That’s why.

To be a philosopher, all you really have to do is ask questions nonstop. They don’t even have to be existential questions. For example, let’s take a question I get every time I walk into a store: “Do you work here?”

While a non-philosopher would simply say, “yes, may I help you?” True thinkers like me would have countered with other questions:

Yes, it’s fairly easy to quote-unquote “logic the fuck” out of any seemingly simple question out there,

Philosophy isn’t just about asking questions, it’s just as important to teach others how to ask questions. This is through the use of the so-called “socratic method.” I dont like that method cause it’s stupid and dumb and bad and wrong, so here is the “sam method.”

1. Be confused(?)
2. open web browser of your choice (yahoo.com, bing.org, google.edu)
3. type some shit like “monkey jump how many high?”
4. LEARN!!!
5. Repeat steps 1–4 until you have learned everything

Yes, the “sam method” is far superior in every way to the so-called “socratic method.” what kind of name is socratic anyways?

socrates was famous for being made of stone. nobody had ever done THAT before.

For at least a year, philosophers have puzzled over the fundamental questions of existence. Why are we here? Were we created, or did we evolve? Why would any sane person spend a hundred thousand dollars to get a degree in philosophy? These questions and more have plagued us (philosophers) for days, months even.

So, here’s the answers to every existential philosophical question:

1. Why is there something rather than nothing?

This one is super easy. nothing is boring. something is not. Imagine nothing. You can’t, because there isn’t anything to imagine. Aren’t you glad there’s attractive people you can fantasize about instead?

2. Is our universe real?

Of course it isn’t. the matrix came out in 1999. nothing could have come before such a groundbreaking work of cinema.

3. Do we have free will?

Some of us do. others do not liberate their Wills. Free him.

4. Does God exist?

look at this image and tell me there’s a god

5. Is there life after death?

Death is a concept, just like time. Stop believing in it, and it ceases to exist. im 20,000 years old actually,

6. Does anything actually matter?

There’s paths of thinking to this question. The nihilist would say, “of course not. Nothing we do has any consequence. All life is a coincidence, and every single moment of time serves only to perpetuate said time.” The existentialist would claim that we only matter in the same way as everyone and everything else does, and the solipsist would say that they are the only ones who matter. The hedonist would suggest that the only thing that matters is the pursuit of pleasure; the skeptic butting in to suggest that what matters is not the answer — it’s the question. Confronted with all these schools of thought, one conclusion is painfully easy to discern: nothing, what’s da matter with you?

Praise for philosophy

“a quote about philosophy? ok lemme think”

— toad @whimsicaltoad

“to truly understand philosophy, you must pay the philoso-fee. venmo: @heisenbarry”

— will @fuckmarrywill

“never heard of it”

— bad boy @badboychadhoy

“I’m a bit of a philosopher myself. just look at my tweets”

— GENERAL BUTT NAKED SAYS: BLM BLM BLM @FLESH_MACHINERY